The Invisible Fight….pt.11

I can’t think of a more trying year. In the 11 months that have passed,i can honestly say i have gone through an expected and welcome change. People who know me best don’t know what to think.and even fewer really understand what it is i do. Maybe that’s why it makes this past year so hard to put into words.So difficult to explain and  even harder to ‘show’, my friends and family. All i know is that this last year has unlocked feelings i have never felt. Changes i never saw coming and the desire to prove to others and myself ,that people can and do change.

I have made a-lot of ‘questionable’ choices and lived vicariously , with no ‘real’ direction for most of my life. I’ve coasted through on the coattails of my parents unwavering and unconditional love and support. At times i had moments of impending success and normality but everyone knew it wouldn’t last or i would find someway to f@5*:! it all up. Perhaps that also contributes to the endless hurdles and infinite up hill battles i fight seemingly everyday.

All i know is that until now i didn’t have anything to be proud of. Nothing i could say i earned myself. Worked for. I need to prove to my family, friends, my children and myself that i’m ‘doing it’ and finally being where i should have been long ago. Come to think of it that reason also has ties to this most trying year of my life. I wish my parents were still ‘close by’. I feel this overwhelming desire to give them a sense comfort or contentment. To finally see me being responsible and doing something with my life. Something they can be proud of. Or maybe that’s the wrong word to describe it……..i don’t know. All i know is that i’ve come to feel accountable and really bad for what i put them through over the years and now see the time i wasted doing nothing when i should have been doing somethin. And wish i could turn back time and relish and absorb every minute i had them over the years, because i miss them terribly and need them to know now, just how much they impacted my life and how they did a fabulous and beyond what could ever be expected from a parent in raising me and giving me all the tools to be the best version of me that i could ever be!!! I miss them so much.

Dad,i hate what Parkinson’s has taken from you! How can a man, who gave so much of himself others, family and especially myself be inflicted with such a condition that forces to give away or surrender  everything that you worked so hard for all these years!! I know you read this blog but i hate what it’s done to you and i feel so bad you!! I would give my life just to give you back any of time you had before this!!! Any of the happy times when YOU were happy! When you could play baseball. I know you loved to play! I have seen the look in your eyes and tone in your voice when you realize you can no longer do every day tasks we take for granted. And I F!@”! #*’ing HATE IT! It makes me want to scream at the top of my lungs and lash out violently at every person who never paid you back, or treated with you with respect or every person who took advantage of you , including myself, and somehow reclaim what’s rightfully yours because DAD , I’m sorry! And thank you for being the foundation of me and the man i finally have become!

And my mom. If ever in life there was a standard to which all mother’s would live by and some day try to reach “superstar mom” status, it would be my mom.  Everyone loves her because of her ability to just make you feel better. Even strangers who meet her for the first time are affected by her genuine and loving demeanor. I can’t tell you how many times people talked about how good they feel after talking with mom. She loves to hug. Everyone. She personifies ‘love’. Radiates “love” And i miss her more now that i realize just how much she means to me  and i’m mad i wasted so much time being selfish and thinking of myself and making things hard for you and worrying about me when i was at my worst with drugs and never ending situations i put you through. I love you very much and i wish you could finally ‘understand’ what i’m doing now!.  lol.  Thank you for reading that book i sent you. Not sure if it clears anything up for you. But i need to show you what i’ve accomplished and for you to understand it. I need you know i’ll be ok and that you can trust me and that i love you very much and Thank you! For all you’ve done for me and continue to do….

To Ryan and Regan.Both have built some much for yourselves and deservingly so. My sister a 3 time winter Olympian turned journalist and loving mother of 2 and my brother who also has become a successful ,well known figure in his industry and loving father of 3.And without doubt the 2 biggest skeptics of my newest venture and apparent transformation.I want so bad to prove to you i’m different. It’s hard to live up to your expectations. You both cast a pretty big shadow. I know that i deserve the way you guys see me. I know you were just looking out for mom and dad’s best interest. I regret not being as close to you as i want to be. You have a bond with each other that i don’t have with either of you. Perhaps it’s my fault it’s that way because i seperated myself from family long ago when drugs became the driving force in my life. For that i’ll always regret, but now i want rebuild. Not that it’s in shambles , because it’s not. Just want to restrengthen the bond i have with you. Make make up for lost and wasted time.

As the summer months begin my life is hectic and busier than ever. And unfortunately , there is more court appearances in the coming weeks. But this time, i get to sit on the good side of the court room and make an unjust situation apparent for all to see. I’m a good dad. I have been robbed of seeing my son for past 533 days because of a loophole and a vengeful righteous B@#!*& who has used to system to systematically oust mme from my son’s life. She has no idea what i’ve done and doesn’t even entertain the notion that i would or could take the steps nesessary to take her to court. And the best part is she thinks she’s justified. If you met her you’d wanna punch her in the face from her “better than tho” attitude and snide demeanor. I’M COMING FOR MY SON!!!!

Hours i have left to save  everything i’ve worked for : 83

Days left until i see my boy: 17

To L,

You should have worked with me. Now i’m gonna put you out front for everyone to see!Your narrow mind and lack of compassion clouds your self centered thoughts.

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